The FSM
by blazingbaubles
Summary: Don't try to bullshit a bullshitter


This little beauty popped into my head one sleep deprived drive home and spiraled into...this. It amuses me way more than it should.

(As of right now, there are a couple follow ups in the works ;) )

Let me know what you think!

 **The FSM**

When Emma got out of prison and they handed her the keys to the shitty yellow bug Neal left her, she kept the car out of spite.

When she drove it to her parents' house to see her son for the first time in three months, she walked up to the front door, knocked and leveled them with a gaze that said 'I dare you to ask me about it'.

After all these years, her parents still haven't asked her why she kept the damn thing.

Henry loved it, but he didn't know the story behind the bug.

The damn thing was falling apart, but it didn't matter to Emma.

She saw the bug as a trophy.

She didn't let Neal's bullshit knock her down. Sure, she was pissed she had to miss three months of her baby's life, but he was with the best grandparents a kid could ask for.

She kept this bug, weird ass quirks and all, because she saw it as a reminder that shitty things happen to everyone, it's how you react when they happen that matters.

So, yes, she kept the shitty bug with the wonky wipers that turned on randomly and the spring in the passengers seat that randomly flung it (and whoever was sitting there) forward. The best random feature, by far, was the headlight fluke. For whatever reason the right headlight would randomly short out. No rhyme or reason to it, it would just stop working whenever it felt the need.

The trick to the headlight was you had to give it a good kick to get it back into working mode.

She certainly didn't figure that out in a fit of anger on the side of the road one night when it was raining and she couldn't see for shit. Nope.

So, when Emma is driving Henry home from soccer one night and she sees flashing red, white, and blue lights, she already knows why.

"Mom, are the cops pulling us over?" Henry asks with a confused look on his face. They weren't above the law by any means (hello-jail sentence) but she'd never been pulled over since she moved back home. Usually the hot mess that is her car doesn't land her in trouble. Lucky day.

She looks in her rear view mirror and notices the guy who pulled her over isn't someone she recognizes.

This must be the new deputy her father was telling her about. He was on leave from a back injury with Graham acting as Sherriff for the moment. Graham had to skype an interview with a new prospective deputy so he could sign off on it, he liked the guy and did but had yet to meet him in person. From what she gathered, he was somehow related to the harbormaster, Liam Jones.

As he started to swagger towards the car, he tripped on a rock (or air?) and Emma couldn't help but snort a little laugh.

"Mom!" Henry starts panicking a little in the back. "Why are we being pulled over?"

"Calm down, Henry. I'm sure he's pulling us over because of the headlight. You know how tempermental the thing is. Grandpa said he was a nice guy, he's probably just making sure he does a good job with the town."

Henry calmed down at her statement and sat back in his seat waiting.

When the deputy reached the window, she rolled it down and put both hands back on the wheel.

"Good evening, lass, where are you headed this evening?"

Is it fair that a man that attractive also has an accent?

The answer is no, by the way.

"I'm on my way home from my sons' soccer game." she said with a smile.

"Football." He said quietly, like he didn't mean for her to hear. He looked in the back. "Oh hello, lad, did you enjoy the game?"

"Yes, sir!" Henry said excitedly "We won tonight! We usually get beat pretty bad, but the team tonight is worse than we are!" Emma chuckled. It's true. His team was usally pretty terrible. Last week they lost 15 to 0. Not a happy day in their house.

"Well, I'm sure you're not that bad, lad. I played football myself when I was your age, my older brother Liam taught me. At your age it's about learning to play the game, let the other stuff come later. Try your best and you can't go wrong." He ended with a wink and a smile to Henry's confused face. She's sure he was thinking the deputy was losing his mind and didn't want to be rude by correcting him and saying he played soccer not football. She'd have to explain that to him later tonight.

He looked to Emma again. "While I hate to interrupt you on your way to what i'm sure is a wonderful victory dinner, do you have any idea why I pulled you over?"

"I'm guessing it's probably my headlight." She said cheerfully.

He looked a bit shocked at that so she went on to explain.

"Yeah, it's... tricky..." She looked at him as he cocked an eyebrow. "Can I show you something?"

"By all means..." He said amusedly as he stepped back.

Emma hopped out of the car and walked around to the front stopping in front of the headlight in question.

What she did next must have amused the deputy, K. Jones, to no end.

She kicked it.

 _And it came back on._

He looked like he was fighting laughter when she turned back to him.

"Well, that certainly takes care of that now, doesn't it?" He chuckled.

"Looks like." she said with a smile.

"Well, I don't think i'll be needing your license and insurance then, love. If you ever need anything, please feel free to come see me at the station. Just ask for Killian." He winked.

If he only knew, she thought and smiled. Her father ran the place. "I'm Emma." She smiled. "I will do just that if the need arises. Thank you very much, Killian. I'm sure i'll see you around town. I'm going to get this rugrat home now and feed him. Have a good night." she said with a smile and a little wave.

Killian walked back to the cruiser and she went about her night.

That was 3 weeks ago.

Her father was due to go back into work, finally, on Monday.

With his schedule being so unpredictable, Emma decided to do Henry's birthday party a few days before his actual birthday instead of the weekend after like she usually did.

They were all sitting outside after Henry opened his presents when a cruiser pulled up.

Her Dad was inside helping Henry put together his new game system so she got up to walk in when she noticed it was none other than Deputy Killian Jones.

She raised an eyebrow as he walked through the yard, looking at the balloons and streamers along the way.

"Excuse me," he started when he was a couple of feet in front of her, shuffling his feet. "Do you have a permit for this party?"

She blanched. Of all the things she expected to come out of his mouth, that was not one of them.

"Taking this new deputy thing seriously are we?" She said with a chuckle.

"I'm afraid so, ma'am. If you don't have a permit, I'm going to have to ask to see your license, please."

Emma stared at him. Then looked all around at the party goers still near. Her mother just sat at the end of one table, an amused look on her face. This was weird. She'd never in her life heard of any deputy in Storybrook doing crowd control at a six year olds birthday party. And she grew up with 7 drunk 'uncles' at hers.

"Are you sure?" was all she said.

He cocked an eyebrow and smirked. "I'm afraid so."

Ok. Lie. No way. That eyebrow gave it all away.

Emma had a very real problem dealing with bullshitters. She usually did one of two things. She would either placate them and move on, or she'd try to out bullshit them until one of them cracked. She's a ray of sunshine so it was normally the second option. And it normally wasn't her who cracked.

"Actually, Killian, this isn't a party at all. This is a church service. We're having an open house of sorts, trying to gauge whether or not these fine citizens would like to join us. We're doing it outdoors today because of the lovely weather we're having."

She could tell that threw him, but he recovered quickly.

"Church service, you say? Hm. I am new to town, and i've been looking for a new church it so happens. Please, tell me about your service today."

She heard a snort from her left and turned to see Regina, her childhood friend quickly mask her reaction to the situation. If she could get Regina to play along this would be even better. You can never tell what the hell she's thinking.

"Well, we belong to the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or Pastafarianism if you will. Regina here," she gestured to her friend on her left "is in charge of new recruits and we found these fine citizens having a picnic under the bridge." She gestured to the party at large "They're looking to convert, but they're a little unsure. You see, in order to be a part of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, you have to either have a really cool scar, or be missing a limb. They're a little nervous, they don't want to lose a hand."

He looked around for a moment, there was a glint in his eye.

"Ah, I see. And your beliefs are?" He asked with, she was sure, an interested air about him.

"Well, we believe that a giant invisible spaghetti monster created the universe. The first beings on earth were, naturally, pirates. We're all actually descended from pirates, did you know? Anyway-basically, our creator, the kind and benevolent spaghetti monster promises an afterlife abundant in beer and strippers. Plus, you get to wear a super cool colander on your head whenever you want!" she finishes cheerfully.

Killian seemed to be holding it together really well.

The party goers, however, were not.

Poor baby Roland looked confused and started tugging on Regina's shirt, whispering to her as she tried valiantly to stave off her laughter. Ruby was physically holding herself so she didn't crack from holding in her guffaws. Her mother, holy shit her mother. She just got up and walked in the house... Only to walk back out with a colander on her head. Granny just shook her head like she knew something Emma didn't.

"We'd love to have you, Killian, really. I just... I don't know if you'd have the right level of commitment for us. This is a lot of work. I know that you're thinking 'but wait, i'd love to get a cool scar to show of as my love of pastafarianism.', but it's not all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes, we have to go troll college campuses wearing pirate garb for new inductees. While it sounds fun, it's exhausting. If you want to join we need a big show of commitment from you. I'm going to need a limb."

Here's where things get really fun, she thought.

Except not really. "Well, looks like i'm the perfect candidate then, love. Where do I sign up?" He said with an amused tone while holding up his hand. That she now notices is fake.

He has a fake hand. Of all the things. OF ALL THE THINGS.

She wasn't sure how to recover from this one. Because not only is she making an ass of herself in front of her kids' entire party, but she semi insulted the man.

She started laughing.

"Well, shiver me timbers, you sure are!"

Yeah, that's what she should have done.

Everyone at the party was looking a little bit amused, a little bit uncomfortable, and a lot interested in how this was going to play out.

He got a little closer to her. "Love, I actually came her to ask you out on a date. I've seen you a few times in town since I pulled you over the other night, but could never quite get up the courage."

Emma laughed lightly. "That's weird right? I mean, you crashed a kids party to ask his mom out. That's definitely weird."

At this point, Ruby gave up all pretense of trying not to laugh and just started cackling to Emma's embarrassment.

"What I mean is... I mean, it's not weird that it's weird. I guess? Is it? I just mean, I'm also weird. So I like weird?" Why was everything coming out like a question?

"Killian, I'd love to go on a date with you is what i'm trying to say. Please, stay for some cake? I doubt the boss would mind."

He chuckled. "The way I hear it, the Sherriff is a very kind man. I, however, do not want to tempt his ire by being away from my post for so long. Perhaps we could keep this between us? He needn't know I took five minutes to ask a beautiful woman to dinner."

She smiled. This was going to be great.

"Dad!" She yelled. "Can you come out here real quick." She noticed her mom stealthily slide the colander off her head and into her lap.

Ruby was almost pissing herself with excitement right now.

Her dad popped his head out of the front door. "Yeah, Em? Henry is trying real hard to beat me at this lev- Oh, hey Killian!" He started to walk out. "What brings you by?"

Killian looked like he was a mix of mortified, terrified, and a bit sick.

"Oh, hello Dave." He scratched the back of his ear and turned a bit red.

"Dad" Emma chimed in. "I invited Killian for cake, and he declined because he wanted to make a good impression on the sherriff. I told him you wouldn't mind and that you'd be happy to let him take a few minutes to get to know more people in town." She smiled at her dad. While he may not know what was going on, he knew something was going on. He figured it was best left to Emma anyway and agreed.

After he went back inside, Killian sat down next to her at the table and she smiled at him.

"That was for trying to trick me with the permit thing." She winked.

"Be ready at 7, Killian. I like Italian." She got up to walk away. "And, please, bring the cuffs." She winked and walked towards the other tables.

Killian sat there in shock for a moment before he finally came to his senses and went after her.

Yes, he was going to enjoy having Emma in his life.


End file.
